I am now fully into the Project Management role... but it doesn't really seem the answer for anything.

If I look at the portfolio of things that I am supposed to be handling now - I have site management and project management at work, have GMITE program which is going to get completed in December, have to take the PMP exam (the date, which I have postponed three times now). However, I am really not doing good on any of these fronts and I am not feeling good about it.

I am just not motivated enough. I get these bursts of energy where I do things really efficiently and then there are real slow periods where I just cannot get myself to do anything much. Over the last one week or so, I am going through a slow period.

I have a nagging feeling at the back of my head making me wonder if I am going through cycles of depression - not a 'I can't even get out my bed' kind of depression, but of the milder kind which does not allow me to really do anything useful with myself. If I am going through a depression, what do I do to get out of this?

I still do want to become really good at one particular thing. It is really bothering me like hell that I still haven't figured out what that is... and time is running out!

Work satisfaction

It has been a while since I have felt satisfied with the work I have been doing. When I got into my new role end of 2005, things were quite challenging. I had to learn a lot of things without too much guidance. I had a lot of support, mind you, but not enough guidance.

Now that I am moving out of this role, I am in a mood to reminisce. I have done a few things well and I have also made some blunders. However, one thing which has been consistent all through was that the role was very loosely defined. There was never a defined set of expectation from me, nor was any work that I did critically evaluated. I got praise where I felt I have not really stretched myself and I got none when I really went out of my way to learn something and implement.

I have had to tell myself a number of times that this is a senior role and that one never gets complete 'feedback' about one's performance in such roles and that one can assess oneself by the change in the scope and nature of work assigned. If I evaluate myself on these parameters, I have to arrive at the conclusion that I have been a failure in this role. While it hurts to feel like a failure, what is really sad is that I am still not being told what I could and should have done differently.

I have tried to think myself on what I should have done differently. I can think of quite a few instances when I could have provided more leadership by being forceful about certain issues. I could have done more to be in the limelight by strategically escalating issues and by travelling more and by a host of other things. I have not done all this and I have tried to resolve most of the issues by consensus and tried to delegate responsibility and authority to the right level. I have not travelled much and have maintained a low profile in dealing with senior management.

I guess the issue was that I have always considered myself to be in a learning mode. To be quite frank and upfront about it, I do not feel that I came equipped with sufficient knowledge or experience to handle a general management role which this job demanded. Once I got the role, I have been putting in effort to educate myself in various aspects of finance, law, HR etc to be able to do a better job. However, in retrospect, I find that my pace has been too slow.

Some of the things I should have done to handle this better is to push for getting a traditional project management role for myself long time ago. Also, I should have pushed for having a better structure in Hyderabad which will help me manage things locally. I have not done this and I more or less left it to the GDMs to handle these issues. This was a blunder.

At this point of time, when I have been asked to move into a traditional project management role, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. While I feel like a failure and also 'cheated' on one hand, on the other, I am relieved to not have to handle the operational issues which the role demands. I am also happy that this is a good decision for the center. If we find the right person, I am sure that it will help in taking the center to the next level.

I need to get my feelings sorted out and move on. This change was discussed more than two months ago and I am still not gotten over it.

My first entry

I have put off creation of a blog for a long long time. The main reason I did not create a blog is that I have never felt that there is a lot I want to communicate.

This is quite funny, atleast for me, because I do want to write. I do feel a lot like writing my thoughts down, analysing and dissecting them. However, 'why should I write when I am not looking to communicate things to anyone?', has always been something that has bothered me.

I have now reached a point where I want to stop analyzing myself to death and just do what I like - write. I have also figured out who the potential audience of this blog is going to me - it is going to be myself!